You may have heard of the intriguing ‘let them theory’ that’s been making waves recently. When renowned US podcast host Mel Robbins shared this mindset hack on her Instagram, it took off like wildfire, garnering over 20 million views, 1.5 million likes, and tens of thousands of comments. But what exactly is this theory, and why has it captured the attention of millions?
In a nutshell, the ‘let them theory’ encourages individuals to stop trying to control the actions and behaviours of those around them. Mel Robbins succinctly puts it, “If your friends aren’t inviting you out or someone you’re interested in isn’t committed, let them”. The core idea is that we often expend a significant amount of time and energy trying to mould people into our expectations, which can lead to frustration and disappointment.
“Do not try to force them to change. Let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you,” Robbins advised. “Just let them. And then you get to choose what you do next.”
“Stop wasting energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations,” she reiterated in the caption.
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This approach becomes especially relevant when dealing with partners, dates, or friends who don’t align with our desires or expectations. Instead of attempting to force change, the ‘let them theory’ suggests acknowledging that we can’t control others and relinquishing unrealistic expectations.
The ‘let them’ theory struck a chord with so many fans that Robbins dedicated an entire podcast episode to the topic.
“What happens when you adopt the “let them” theory is that you are able to catch yourself when you’re controlling people and you don’t need to be,” she explained.
“You are able to drop into a more surrendered, peaceful feeling instead of letting your emotions rev you up. I use this thing in so many situations in my life I’ve basically lost count at this point,” she added.
Many individuals claim that adopting this mindset has transformed their relationships, fostering a comfortable, argument-free atmosphere. However, some may question whether it’s healthy to forgo communication and allow others to do as they please.
In an interview with Glamour Magazine, Dr Sophie Mort, a clinical psychologist and mental health expert at Headspace explained that the urge to control or persuade people to conform to our wishes often stems from a desire to manage our anxiety and uncertainty about their behaviour. The problem arises when these efforts lead to disappointment and exhaustion.
“By letting things and people be, we can find peace and freedom while improving the quality of our relationships,” said Mort.
This approach is particularly valuable in dating or when evaluating the compatibility of a current relationship. Allowing people to behave naturally offers a glimpse into their true selves, rather than who we want them to be. Mort noted that trying to police someone’s behaviour can blur the lines between genuine affection and conformity.
Furthermore, adopting the ‘let them theory’ can create an atmosphere of acceptance, where individuals feel seen and accepted for who they are. While this concept isn’t clinically recognized, it aligns closely with established ideas of acceptance, detachment, mindfulness, and personal responsibility, including acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).
But does this mean suppressing our feelings and pretending everything is fine when it’s not? In the interview, Mort clarified that letting others be doesn’t equate to tolerating mistreatment. It involves observing their actions, motivations, and impacts on you, then deciding what you need and how to advocate for yourself. It’s about setting boundaries and, when necessary, walking away from toxic relationships.
Here are three tips for implementing the ‘let them theory’ in your relationships:
- Embrace Mindfulness: Establish a regular mindfulness practice to observe your impulses to change others’ behavior, accept what’s happening (both in your mind and their actions), and let go. The Headspace app provides helpful exercises for this purpose.
- Recognize Your Sphere of Control: Understand that you cannot control others but can take responsibility for your own actions. Reflect on why you feel compelled to guide people’s lives and work on addressing those underlying issues.
- Enhance Listening Skills: If you tend to rescue and fix others’ problems, practice letting them express themselves without rushing in to take control. This can create more supportive and authentic relationships.
In conclusion, the ‘let them theory’ challenges our tendencies to control and manipulate others, suggesting that embracing acceptance and personal responsibility can lead to more fulfilling relationships. While it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution, it offers a fresh perspective on how we interact with those around us.
