Having someone break your trust can make you feel upset, surprised, and even physically unwell. It might make you rethink your relationship and how you feel about your partner.
If you want to try to rebuild trust, here are some good starting points:
- Think about why they lied or betrayed you: When someone lies to you, you might not care much about why they did it. But sometimes people lie because they don’t know what else to do. This doesn’t make it right, but it helps to consider how you might have acted in their place. Maybe they were trying to protect you, solve a money problem, or help a family member. Understanding their reasons can help you decide if you want to rebuild trust.
- Talk about it: Rebuilding trust after a betrayal involves having a conversation with your partner. Take some time to clearly tell them:
- How you feel about what happened
- Why their betrayal hurt you
- What you need from them to start rebuilding trust
Give them a chance to talk as well, but pay attention to whether they seem genuinely sorry or defensive. If you get too upset during the conversation, it’s okay to take a break and come back to it later.
- Practice forgiveness: If you want to repair your relationship after a betrayal, forgiveness is important. You’ll need to forgive your partner and maybe even yourself. Forgiving doesn’t mean what they did was okay; it means you’re giving them a chance to learn from their mistakes and move on.
- Don’t dwell on the past: After you’ve talked about the betrayal, it’s best to leave it behind. Try not to bring it up in future arguments and avoid constantly checking on your partner to see if they’re lying again. It can be hard, especially at first, but when you give the relationship another chance, you’re also giving trust a chance to grow again.
- Seek help if needed: If you can’t stop thinking about what happened or have doubts about your partner’s honesty, couples counseling can be helpful. It can also indicate that you might not be ready to work on the relationship.
Are you the one who broke the relationship?
Of course, there are two sides to a broken relationship and both people need to be working together to rebuild the trust. If you’ve hurt someone and want to rebuild trust:
- Understand why you did it: Before trying to rebuild trust, reflect on why you did what you did. Did you want to end the relationship, were your needs not being met, or was it just a mistake? Understanding your motives is essential.
- Apologize sincerely: If you’ve lied or cheated, a genuine apology is a good start to making amends. Acknowledge your mistake, and don’t try to justify it when you apologize.
- Be specific: When apologizing, be specific about what you did wrong. Use “I” statements, and avoid blaming your partner.
- Give your partner time: Your partner may need time to come to terms with what happened. Don’t pressure them to discuss it before they’re ready. Consider seeking counseling if you’re struggling.
- Respect their needs: Your partner may need space and time. Respect their boundaries and be transparent in the future.
- Commit to clear communication: Answer your partner’s questions honestly and commit to open communication. Ensure you both understand what good communication means to avoid future misunderstandings.
- Details of an affair: It’s generally not productive to provide explicit details of a sexual encounter. Consider waiting until you can see a therapist together if your partner wants to discuss this. A therapist can guide you on how to address these questions in a healthy way.
- It takes time: Rebuilding trust isn’t quick. The time it takes depends on the severity of the betrayal. Be patient and don’t rush the process.
At the end of the day, you need to both consider if it’s worth working on trust issues in your relationship. If there’s still love and commitment, it can strengthen your bond. But if you’ll never trust your partner again, it’s better to be honest about it and move on. While working on the rebuilding you need to keep your eyes open and watch out for signs like continued deceit, insincere apologies, or behaviour that doesn’t match their words. These could also indicate it’s time to reconsider the relationship.
