Relocating a parent, even a willing one, to assisted living or any senior living facility is rife with emotion. Your parents may lament the loss of their younger years, their independence, and the home they constructed. They might be apprehensive about the ageing process, forging new friendships, and navigating unfamiliar surroundings.
You may share these sentiments. Doubts about your decision may creep in. Did we act too hastily? Overreact? Wait too long? Guilt will inevitably wash over you. Remember that these emotions are entirely normal and need not endure indefinitely. As you embark on this transition, keep these 12 strategies at the forefront of your mind:
Give it time
Experts in senior living suggest that it typically takes between three and six months for someone to adapt to assisted living. This duration is an average; it might be briefer or longer. Maintain your focus on the reasons that led to your decision (safety, health, security, sanity). Keeping the broader perspective in mind will assist you through challenging phases.
Visit frequently, or not for a fortnight
You alone understand your parent’s needs, so only you can determine the best approach to support them during the initial weeks of the transition. Many experts advise frequent visits, which can alleviate any anxiety your parent may harbour about being abandoned or feeling lonely. It may be simpler for them to engage with others during activities or in the dining area if they have a companion. Nevertheless, if your parent contacts you multiple times daily, remains sequestered in their room, and awaits your arrival for companionship, perhaps granting them some space is necessary to encourage socialization.
It takes a community
Mobilize your support network. Just as raising a child necessitates a village, so does providing care and support to your ageing parent. Don’t be afraid to ask your friends and other family members to stop by for visits and help with the transition.
Anticipate setbacks
Just when you believe you’ve overcome the initial hurdles and your parent is settling in, circumstances may change. They may confess to feeling lonely, express dissatisfaction with their newfound dining companions, or yearn to return home. These moments are emotionally wrenching, but acknowledging their normalcy and transient nature can help you navigate through them.
Allow yourself to experience discomfort
Speaking of home, be aware that when your parent expresses a desire to return home, they may not necessarily refer to their previous residence – especially if they have dementia. They may be reminiscing about a childhood home. Home encompasses both a physical place and an emotional sensation. Sit with them in the discomfort of this declaration and engage in conversations about what they miss. While you may not be able to change their circumstances, you can provide a receptive ear as they articulate their emotions. This can be immensely comforting.
Acknowledge the challenges
Certainly, you wish to present the move in a positive light but do not lecture your parents about all the wonderful new activities, people, and opportunities. Pay heed to their fears and apprehensions, and validate their feelings. Subsequently, assist them in addressing these concerns. They are more likely to heed your advice when they sense that you have listened to their concerns.
Surround your parent with their personal possessions
Transitioning to assisted living often entails downsizing. While the dining room table with two extension leaves and an accompanying hutch may not fit in the new apartment, photographs of family and friends, photo albums, cherished books, or a familiar piece of artwork certainly will. Even if you need to downsize the bedroom set, you can still bring a beloved blanket and pillows. The kitchen may be different, but you can pack your mother’s cherished teacup. Leaving one’s home should not necessitate leaving behind the comforts associated with it.
Restrict new acquisitions
You may be tempted to furnish your parent’s new abode with the latest and greatest in the hope that they will embrace their fancy new home. However, exercise restraint with new items. Moving into an assisted living facility represents a significant adjustment, where everything is novel – the people, the cuisine, the routines. Do not overwhelm your parents with a new phone, remote control for the television, or an elaborate coffee maker. Minimize the number of novel items they must acclimate to.
Advocate for your parent
No place is flawless. You and your parents might identify opportunities for improvement in their new residence. However, your parent might hesitate to voice their concerns when transitioning to a new environment. Be their advocate and help them establish their routines within the home, even if it requires chatting to the matrons about making some concessions.
Construct a team
The staff at assisted living can and should be integrated into your support network. Communicate your concerns and your parent’s concerns to them, and actively involve them in facilitating the transition. Do not presume that they will naturally identify what needs to be done – they are often quite occupied. If your parent confides that they feel too shy to attend dinner in the dining hall or have difficulty recalling when activities are scheduled, consider requesting a staff member to knock on their door and extend an invitation. If the staff members understand your requirements, they should be willing to provide assistance.
Establish boundaries
Undoubtedly, you aspire to be a dutiful daughter and facilitate your parent’s transition. However, your own needs must also be considered. Endeavour to free up as much time as possible during the initial months following the move to provide support. Nonetheless, recognise that it is acceptable if you cannot always be available. Your children may require your attention, your boss and clients may have demands, and you must prioritise self-care. Determine what you are capable and willing to undertake, and steadfastly adhere to your boundaries. External voices may offer suggestions, but disregard them – you are the ultimate arbiter.
The child knows best
Recall the television programme and adage, “Father Knows Best.” This time, however, it is the child who knows best. Experts may proffer guidance on whether to maintain distance or visit frequently. They may counsel you to dismiss complaints as ordinary. Nevertheless, you possess the keenest understanding of your parent. Trust your instincts. I was informed that my father had to spend the remainder of his life in a locked memory unit. When I expressed reservations about this decision, doctors and social workers dismissed me as a daughter in denial. Nonetheless, I persisted, and my father currently resides in his independent apartment within an assisted living facility, requiring minimal support.
